Ah, to be a normal woman...wouldn't that be grand? Yes, you all know about the baby thing but may not realize exactly what goes on in this mess I call my body.
Let's start with babies...we all know I "can't" have them, right? What's worse: not ever being able to have them because there is absolutely no way you could ever conceive, or being able to have that gift but risk your life and your unborn child's life doing so? It's like a tease...here, enjoy this womb that could kill you. Go ahead, fill it up then see what happens. Could you die? Maybe. Will your unborn child die? There's a good chance it could go through what my doctor likes to call "late term abortion" where I could carry for several months then my body would just say, "nah, I don't want this anymore" then dispose of it like a piece of trash. I'd have to get a port placed in my chest for dialysis 6 days a week. I'd be induced at 32 weeks then maybe go for an immediate transplant. If, by the grace of God I got pregnant and was able to successfully give birth, I wouldn't get to bond with my own baby for maybe a couple of months, who knows! I would have a terrible and terrifying pregnancy, I wouldn't get to enjoy any of it really and I may not get to enjoy my babies first months.
Here's another kicker that happens all the time that is starting to drive me up the wall...sorry, male readers, but periods. Yes, periods. I'm a woman, I have one, it's natural. But here's what's not natural...I don't get to enjoy the knowledge of when my period will arrive. Most women know their cycle, heck, some of my friends know the exact day their cycle will start. Me? Psh, haha! Nope! For example...my last period was March 21st. Do some math. No, I am not pregnant, my body just can't figure out what the F is happening inside so it just kind of forgets to, ya know, be normal? How annoying it is to never know if you're "late" or if it's just forgetting to woman. Yes I've taken tests before and you know how those tests make me feel? They crush me. I have this crazy rush of terrified, mixed with excited and topped off with depression when the test I know will say "no", says "no". I know it's VERY MUCH to my benefit that I'm never pregnant when I'm 15, 20, 30 days "late" for a period, but I hate that fear of possibly being so. I get this insane rush of "Oh crap, if I am, I need to do this, and this, and contact this doctor, and go for this surgery, and prepare for this to happen". Allen and I have serious talks about "well if I am...what do we do?" We plan, we console each other, we think positively and wipe the tears away from the negative thoughts. How lucky I am to have such an amazing husband to deal with me. To accept me, love me unconditionally, be there for me, and be 100% genuine, supportive, and loving when my body does something crazy.
Speaking of crazy, this past week, my body has been bouncing between normal blood pressure and "hypertensive emergency" levels. In a day, I could go from 128/88 then hop up to 200/144. My face gets all red, I get very hot, I feel anxious, shaky, off balance, light headed and EXHAUSTED. I have been so fatigued lately, I can't stand at some moments. Literally. I now stand as close to a bench or chair as I can when I'm at work because who knows when my body will just give up and I plop down out of sheer exhaustion from standing. I highly doubt my bosses or co-workers understand why I'm sitting. I see the judgmental looks and displeased looks from my coworkers and managers when I'm sitting. My arms feel like they're being magnetically pulled towards the ground. My legs feel like I just spent all day on a treadmill, running as fast as I could. I physically get so fatigued and exhausted that it hurts to stand. Hurts. I feel like I'm putting myself through torture just standing there, but I try to hide it all so I don't get in trouble. I bring my blood pressure machine to work and try to check it every hour...do I get to? No. Do I try? Absolutely. I get told that if I have to leave because of my blood pressure, even with proof of my doctor telling me I absolutely can not be at work, that I don't have special privileges and it would be counted against me. Well I'm aware I don't have special privileges but I am NOT going to stroke out at work. I now see it as this...I can always get another job, but I can't get another life.
