My mind likes to fight with itself a lot when it comes to the subject of becoming a mommy. There's positives and negatives that crash through my mind at all times. The negatives can be pretty obvious, and the positives of me not being able to carry my own child are limited, but they're there. Could someone who suffers from depression truly find positives in a situation such as this? Of course I can, I try my hardest not to dwell on the negativity.

Let's start with the negatives and get ready for the long list. Biggest negative for me isn't the fact that I'll never (maybe) know what it feels like to have a baby growing inside of me. I'll never get those kicks, those flutters, that close incredible bond with this little human depending on me for life. I'll never get to watch my belly grow or heck, my boobs for that matter! I'll never know that excitement of planning how to tell my husband that we are expecting. No, those aren't the worst things. The biggest negatives for me not being able to carry my own child involve my husband. HE will never be able to be surprised by me telling him he's going to be a daddy. HE will never be able to hug close to my belly and feel his baby move inside of me. HE will never get to kiss my pregnant belly. HE will never get to watch me grow and never get to roll over in bed at night and just place his hands on my belly and feel those midnight kicks and flutters that would wake me up. My not being able to carry my own child doesn't hurt the most because I can't carry or experience those things, it's because HE can't experience those things.

I watched a video the other day, it was just a quick little thing but it made me silently weep until Allen noticed something was wrong. It was of a mother laying on her side, clearly in the later stages of pregnancy. She was walking her fingers across her belly and a little hand or foot would push up her belly. She'd then trace that tiny foot or hand and rub it. Then she'd do it again and again. Such a happy moment causes these crazy pangs of jealousy and envy. I want that. Then I think, "oh boo hoo, stop playing the woe-is-me card. People are going to get sick of you constantly whining about not being able to carry your own child." This, my friends, is my inner mind battle. I get upset because I don't get to experience this thing that so many women complain about, I should consider myself lucky, right? Some other woman is going to get the heartburn, the morning sickness, the back pain, weight gain, and birthing pain. I just get to sit by and watch it all happen, then get the reward at the end, my very own baby. Right? I should be thinking that way, right?

Wrong.

Sure, I'll never experience those bad sides to pregnancy, but those bad sides are all so worth it in the end. We will be sent an incredible angel to help us grow our family someday, and I'll be by her side through t all if she will let me. I'll hold her hair as morning sickness kicks in. I'll rub her back when it's aching, try my darnedest to cure the heartburn and let her crush my hand when she's in labor. That woman is enduring all of this for us. To give us this incredible gift of life. Here comes the positives..

I may gain an incredible life long friend. We will go through so much together as she brings mine and Allen's child into this world, and my only major hope is that she loves us as much as we hope to love her. Now here's a bunch of what ifs. What if the injections I'd need to develop enough eggs to harvest for the surrogacy isn't safe for my kidneys. What if my doctors just flat out tell me no again. What if no fertilized embryos survive in our surrogate? Then what? Well...then we adopt. I may not be able to get pregnant right now for the very reason that perhaps there's a child already born that needs me as much as I need it, and it's just waiting for us. Maybe this is my sign that I don't NEED to get pregnant because another life already in existence NEEDS us more. Perhaps us getting told no so many times by doctors is leading to a huge yes for some child somewhere in America just waiting for a loving family. We will be that loving family. I can't wait to see our child, whether someone brings it into the world for us by our side, or across the country. I can't wait for the happiness I'll feel when I watch Allen hold our child for the first time.

Here's a fun little factoid: did you know it's actually bad for Kidney patients to use normal deodorant or antiperspirant? Why? Because they contain a decent amount of aluminium and impaired kidneys can't filter aluminium causing a build up that could be toxic. Now there is aluminium in several items, so it's pretty much unavoidable, but cutting out whatever you can is helpful. Since deodorant enters your system through your pores, it not only gets into your organs, but also into your skin, and since your impaired kidneys can't filter it, it could lead to dementia or even bone disease.

Now, with that being said, my ever-thoughtful husband sought out and bought me an aluminium free deodorant after I told him this bit of info, lol!

It smells surprisingly decent (kind of like a soapy aloe) and it's a clear gel...however putting it on was...different. It feels very wet and stayed that way for a few minutes,  so I was walking around like Randy from A Christmas Story and felt like shouting "I can't put my arms down!" 

Now why am I posting an entire blog entry about deodorant? Because, it just goes to prove there are more hidden risks for us than you would think. I've been told no for a tattoo (I want one after my transplant), I've been told no for liquor or alcohol, I must reduce sodium and aluminium, can't take multi-vitamins (our levels fluctuate too often and we could be putting too much of something in our system. My doctors put me on a temporary supplement for whatever level I'm lacking at the moment), no to long periods of direct sunlight (our meds), no to pregnancy...you know, the whole reason I started this blog. 

Now you know why my blog is called "The Doctors Tell Me No", because that's what I hear far too much. No deodorant, no multi-vitamins, no babies. I will have my babies though, just not the way people seem to "accidentally" be able to freely do it, then abort or dump their baby in the snow or recycling bin because they don't want it. Seems fair, right? No.

I want to post all about my incredible husband today...just so you all can meet him for who he really is. His name is Allen and he's the biggest blessing I've ever been given. I can say all of the generic "my husband is the best" descriptive words like: caring, trustworthy, handsome, funny, bla bla bla. But guess what, he is all of those things and so much more.

I've had a rough past with men; several of them cheating on me or just genuinely making me feel like I didn't matter. I started getting to the point where I'd just throw myself out there on the first date! If you don't feel you can handle my illnesses, the costs and emotional destruction they could cause, if you can't handle my severe depression that makes me need you so bad while I'm pushing you away, if you aren't happy that I can't carry your child...then move along. I told all of this to Allen very quick into dating and he's always assured me he will be there no matter what. And he has been.

We met January of 2013...I was the Verizon employee who caught a glimpse of the most handsome giant she has ever seen (6'7"). I quickly made my way to the front to beg my manager to allow me to work with him because I just had this feeling I needed to. I even told a coworker as soon as I saw him that he was my future husband...she didn't believe me. I found out soon after I creeped on his Facebook that he was, unfortunately for me, taken. I patiently waited for him to become available because it all felt so different. I only saw him twice in person before our first date in March, but I just couldn't deny the feeling that something was much different with him.

Our first date took place at Bastone Brewery in downtown Royal Oak, MI. I had this terrible feeling he was going to stand me up, I mean why would such a handsome, successful man want to date me, the creepy Verizon tech girl? I came around the corner, and there his beautiful smile with giant dimples sat, waiting for me! I was so nervous and acted like a total fool, but I was able to snag date #2 :)!! Any time spent with him wasn't enough and it flew by too quickly! Finally, April 7th, 2013, he officially became mine, and I, his.

Our dating experience consisted of a crazy ex (mine) and a terrible diagnosis (his dad). His amazing father was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic, lung and liver cancer...they gave him 3 months to live. God blessed us and gave him MUCH longer than originally predicted...we got an incredible year and 4 months with him. In that time, he welcomed his first granddaughter, enjoyed an incredible, pool-filled summer with his grandsons and family, and accepted me as his daughter-in-law. Allen proposed to me September 14th, 2014 and we were married November 9th, 2014. Yes, we rushed it like crazy because we knew we were only so lucky to have this time with Al, Allen's dad. Allen made him a groomsmen which was amazing to have him up on stage with his son during our ceremony, he blessed our rings in front of everyone and I was lucky enough to get my very own dance with him! Even though he will not physically be there for our children, he will most certainly be a huge part of their lives!!!

Anyways, Allen and his family have been the most amazing people to come into my lives. I always say, God only puts people in your lives when you need them. Whether it's to teach you a lesson or be an everlasting part, you only meet them when you need to. I would have loved to know him before, of course, but I didn't need to. This man has brought me back to the real me. I was in a terrible dark place where I really didn't care if I died, I was unbelievably depressed, pushed everyone away from me, I was miserable and felt worthless...but then here comes 6'7" with his long arms and pulled me out of that deep, dark hole.

I'm not quite sure where I'd be if I never met Allen, what my life would be like, my relationship with my family or if I'd even have any friends. I am sooooo unbelievably happy he came into my life. He is the strength when I need it, the positivity when I can't seem to find it, the smile when mine is lacking and the faith when I've lost it. Now, I want to bring a child into the world with his amazing man because I KNOW he will be one of the most incredible fathers anyone could ever imagine. I love you, Allen!!!

Picture in your mind the one thing you've wanted more than anything. Now imagine someone telling you if you were to try to get it, there's a good chance you would die. That's what has been happening to me. I've wanted to be a mommy more than anything; being able to experience pregnancy, feel those kicks, go through the pain and finally, have that new love placed on my chest just seconds after birth, making my mind forget about all the pain. But 2 kidney doctors, my internist and my OB/GYN have told me no. No you can't experience the one thing women were basically made for because you could die. No they didn't say those exact words, but dancing around the harsh truth by saying "well...there are a lot of risks with your health that could cause you to lose your life if you were to get pregnant, so it may be best just to not try" hurts just as much.

You may be wondering (if you don't know me) what health issues I have. I am a Chronic Kidney Disease patient currently sitting at stage 4 status. My kidneys keep hopping between 18-25% in function and that alone is too risky to carry a child. It's very common for Kidney Disease patients to develop other health issues because your body is losing a battle with a very important organ. Due to my kidneys, so I've been told, I have developed stage 2 hypertension, my blood pressure being recorded as high as 239/180 (normal for my build is about 100-120/70-80). Because of my blood pressure, that raises another risk for me and the baby. To add to the list, I also have ventricular tachycardia, cysts about every other month on my left ovaries, possible endimetriosis and my uterus ejoys hanging out on my left side.

My kidney failure was originally caused by an autoimmune disorder called Hemolytic Uremic Syndrome (H.U.S) when I was nearing 3 years old. Basically the disorder attacks your red blood cells after a bought of diarrhea or dehydration and those damaged red blood cells clog the filtration of the kidneys which causes them to shut down.

(Click the link to read up on the disorder if interested in more info
http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/hemolytic-uremic-syndrome/basics/definition/con-20029487 )

I was placed on the kidney transplant list through Henry Ford Detroit March 29th, 2014...and I'm still no bit closer to getting a new kidney. I could POSSIBLY carry a few years after I get a new kidney, but there's always going to be risks. And who the heck knows when I'll finally be "qualified enough" (sick enough) to get my new kidney. Yes, I'm on the list, but insurance won't cover any testing towards my transplant if my kidney function is above 20%....so here I sit and wait.

All I want is 1 child of my own that I can carry. But it doesn't look promising. So from here on out, you will follow mine and my husband's progress towards seeking a surrogate or adoption and building our family on a bit of a rockier road than most. Guess it's a good thing we drive a Jeep ;)