My mind likes to fight with itself a lot when it comes to the subject of becoming a mommy. There's positives and negatives that crash through my mind at all times. The negatives can be pretty obvious, and the positives of me not being able to carry my own child are limited, but they're there. Could someone who suffers from depression truly find positives in a situation such as this? Of course I can, I try my hardest not to dwell on the negativity.

Let's start with the negatives and get ready for the long list. Biggest negative for me isn't the fact that I'll never (maybe) know what it feels like to have a baby growing inside of me. I'll never get those kicks, those flutters, that close incredible bond with this little human depending on me for life. I'll never get to watch my belly grow or heck, my boobs for that matter! I'll never know that excitement of planning how to tell my husband that we are expecting. No, those aren't the worst things. The biggest negatives for me not being able to carry my own child involve my husband. HE will never be able to be surprised by me telling him he's going to be a daddy. HE will never be able to hug close to my belly and feel his baby move inside of me. HE will never get to kiss my pregnant belly. HE will never get to watch me grow and never get to roll over in bed at night and just place his hands on my belly and feel those midnight kicks and flutters that would wake me up. My not being able to carry my own child doesn't hurt the most because I can't carry or experience those things, it's because HE can't experience those things.

I watched a video the other day, it was just a quick little thing but it made me silently weep until Allen noticed something was wrong. It was of a mother laying on her side, clearly in the later stages of pregnancy. She was walking her fingers across her belly and a little hand or foot would push up her belly. She'd then trace that tiny foot or hand and rub it. Then she'd do it again and again. Such a happy moment causes these crazy pangs of jealousy and envy. I want that. Then I think, "oh boo hoo, stop playing the woe-is-me card. People are going to get sick of you constantly whining about not being able to carry your own child." This, my friends, is my inner mind battle. I get upset because I don't get to experience this thing that so many women complain about, I should consider myself lucky, right? Some other woman is going to get the heartburn, the morning sickness, the back pain, weight gain, and birthing pain. I just get to sit by and watch it all happen, then get the reward at the end, my very own baby. Right? I should be thinking that way, right?

Wrong.

Sure, I'll never experience those bad sides to pregnancy, but those bad sides are all so worth it in the end. We will be sent an incredible angel to help us grow our family someday, and I'll be by her side through t all if she will let me. I'll hold her hair as morning sickness kicks in. I'll rub her back when it's aching, try my darnedest to cure the heartburn and let her crush my hand when she's in labor. That woman is enduring all of this for us. To give us this incredible gift of life. Here comes the positives..

I may gain an incredible life long friend. We will go through so much together as she brings mine and Allen's child into this world, and my only major hope is that she loves us as much as we hope to love her. Now here's a bunch of what ifs. What if the injections I'd need to develop enough eggs to harvest for the surrogacy isn't safe for my kidneys. What if my doctors just flat out tell me no again. What if no fertilized embryos survive in our surrogate? Then what? Well...then we adopt. I may not be able to get pregnant right now for the very reason that perhaps there's a child already born that needs me as much as I need it, and it's just waiting for us. Maybe this is my sign that I don't NEED to get pregnant because another life already in existence NEEDS us more. Perhaps us getting told no so many times by doctors is leading to a huge yes for some child somewhere in America just waiting for a loving family. We will be that loving family. I can't wait to see our child, whether someone brings it into the world for us by our side, or across the country. I can't wait for the happiness I'll feel when I watch Allen hold our child for the first time.